For a very long time, I had a hard time accepting the words people used to describe me, such as smart, open, honest, transparent, creative, and leader. Every time I heard those positive words, I would survey the room to see who the speaker was talking about only to find out that it was me.
I found these words difficult to accept because when being a subject of discussion, I had earlier been described as a murderer, criminal, violent, cold, callous, liar, manipulator, and heartless. In becoming the person I am today, I had to make a lot of changes in my life, and the way I was able to make those pivotal changes was by sorting through the proverbial, mental, and toxic garbage I had accumulated over the decades. And let me tell you my garbage can overflow.
The first thing I did was reflect on my past. By doing so, I was able to realize that I was a flawed person who needed help which was difficult to accept. I thought there was nothing wrong with me or the way I thought or acted. Once I accepted the fact that I was a flawed person, I became willing to seek help. The second thing I did was to detach myself from people who did not have my best interest at heart.
By disconnecting from dysfunctional people, I was able to connect with functioning people who put their rehabilitation above everything else. This required sacrificing relationships and things such as fear, pride, and ego. It was a very big obstacle for me to conquer and while it was not easy, I was able to shed the tough guy persona I spent all my life building and made it a point to stop allowing other people’s perception of me to dictate how I lived my life or interacted with other people. The third thing I did was fully immerse myself in education and self-help programming.
Prior to my incarceration, at a very young age, I mentally checked out and then physically dropped out of school. I had misplaced goals and ambitions and no employable skills. When I entered into the prison system, I entered it with a 7.4 GPL. While it wasn’t easy, with the encouragement and support from my former Office Service and Related Technologies (OSRT) instructor, Mrs. McCarty, I was able to raise my T.A.B.E. score to a 12.9 and eight months later, I obtained my G.E.D. For once, I finally felt like I accomplishing something.
Before I knew it, I had a renewed passion for learning and found myself attending Coastline Community College with the goal of obtaining an A.A Degree.
It wasn’t too long after enrolling into college that I shifted my attention towards myself. When I put myself first for once, I was able to gain the insight I wanted by actively participating in groups such as GRIP, C.G.A., A.V.P, Kid C.A.T. First Step, Juvenile Lifer Support Group, and the other groups I had taken over the decades.
All played a major role in my suitability on August 7, 2024, at my Suitability Hearing, as I was able to connect the dots starting from my childhood to the point where crime changed my life.
Today, thanks to all my hard work and dedication, I have been selected by my peers to hold several key positions here at (San Quentin Utilization of Inmate Resource, Experiences, and Studies) Youth Diversion Program, the Vice-Chairman of Kid C.A.T. (Kids Creating Awareness Together), Lead Facilitator of Kid C.A.T. First Step, a facilitator for Juvenile Lifer Support Group (JLSG), on the Board for Game for P.E.A.C.E., and Secondary Handler (Vice-Chairman) for the Canine Companions Puppy Program.
While getting to where I’m at today was not easy for me, I never gave up! So please never give up! Use the resources around you, ask questions, and yet most importantly…. You are worth change, freedom, and happiness even if it’s only mentally.
Kid CAT (Creating Awareness Together) is a group of men who committed their crimes in their teens and were sentenced as adults to life terms. The group’s mission is to inspire humanity through education, mentorship, and restorative practices. Kid CAT Speaks wants to hear from all the juvenile lifers, educators, and policymakers concerning juvenile justice issues and rehabilitation. Contact us at San Quentin News, Attn: Kid CAT Speaks, 1 Main Street, San Quentin, CA 94964
