By Akbar Bey, Kid CAT Writer

Being a part of Kid CAT has been a great learning experience for me. The group has aided my ability as an incarcerated individual to reflect on my childhood and other early life experiences that molded me into the individual who committed his life crime.

Growing up, I picked up the habit of numbing myself to things that were going on with me internally, due to trauma, abuse, the drug addiction of people who raised me, and the deaths of loved ones. 

External factors, such as the constant change in environment, had me adapting constantly to positive and negative behavior. As I grew older, I found myself taking on habits and traits that were a result of unaddressed issues. I did not take time to identify my issues. I refused to think about their root causes, and I did not want to revisit painful memories. I needed to take time to reflect on myself.

Instead, I made a conscious decision to ignore warning signs and bottled up everything inside me, which set me on the path to prison. 

Since being a part of Kid CAT, and its first step JLSG and executive body, I have been able to see where I began to derive my values from growing up. I have been able to identify not only my triggers and character defects, but more importantly, look back and see where these things originated.

Whether reflecting on my own definition of what being a man looks like; thinking about what toxic masculinity looks like and comes from; to thinking about value systems and what I held close to my heart as a self-image I wanted growing up and how I want to be remembered after I’m long gone, Kid CAT directed me.

The program has helped me sharpen myself so I can review my core belief system, as well as my core values, to see what is negative. Now I can heal from past pain, and make better decisions in the present and future. 

I can say that this program has shown me not only how much stress I was going through prior to incarceration, but how far I have come in my journey in positive self-change. I feel like when it comes to being in prison, a lot of groups focus on what a person did, or what they had going on while growing up, and they all kind of state, “Well, don’t let it happen again.” 

Whereas Kid CAT identifies the problems, shows where the problem gained traction during one’s upbringing, and then shows how to challenge the problem and prepare for a better future.

I constantly hear about the past when it comes to incarceration, which is okay because it helps me hold myself accountable for past decisions, but what about the future? If a man or woman spends many years of their life in a box, but cannot look to their future, when does the rehabilitation began? 

Kid CAT has helped give me the skills to show when I earn my freedom back, I can handle the real tests of rehabilitation, which is life beyond these walls. Being a part of this program has shown me how to be open with others when it comes to communication with my emotions. This was far from an easy task for me because I grew up with the mentality that the world won’t stop spinning for my problems so why should I spend time tripping over something that nobody else cared about. 

I never realized how many people were going through the same thing as me, if not something similar. Kid CAT has connected me with people who on a daily basis are trying to fight their own demons and make a genuine change to show our communities that we are not the crimes that brought us to prison. 

It feels good to know that I am doing the work, to show my community that the terrible choice I made was one that will never be repeated because I am taking accountability in my actions —
but also having the integrity as a man to make sure that I change my way of thinking, not just for myself, but so that one day I may be able to help someone else who may be in the same head space I was once in. I can help others to choose a better path and possibly save multiple lives. I believe I owe this to society, and Kid CAT has helped me gain more skills to help me with my living amends.