By Antoine Brown, Contributing Writer 

Empathy never came to me naturally. Where I came from, one didn’t really sit around thinking about how other people felt. Early on, I learned that showing too much emotion could make me a target. Instead of learning how to feel, I learned how to shut off my feelings.

When I became a member of Kid CAT, working on my empathy and remorse through groups like First Step and Juvenile Lifers Support Group was one of my main goals. I began to understand that empathy meant more than saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about recognizing the impact of what I’ve done by putting myself in someone else’s position, even when it’s painful. It also means asking myself how I would feel if the situation were reversed—that kind of thinking didn’t come easily.

At the same time, I’ve had to reflect on where I came from. Kid CAT’s “First Step” helped me realize that my environment shaped a lot of my beliefs. The gangs and the drug use counted as contributing factors of gang membership. Everything was about loyalty, reputation, and respect. I didn’t think about the people on the receiving end of my actions, I didn’t think about their families, or the pain I might’ve caused.

Kid CAT showed me that I was disconnected from my humanity. My path of growth and accountability showed me one of the hardest facts I’ve had to face: the truth that I’ve hurt people for a long time. I avoided those thoughts, I made excuses or told myself that my victims got what they deserved. Truth, though, won’t go away by ignoring it. Learning to feel empathy and compassion has been uncomfortable and, quite frankly, scary, but the results have been extremely rewarding.

Kid CAT made me recognize empathy not as a weakness, but as a strength. It actually gave me strength to be honest with myself and face the past. It gave me strength to feel guilt and not run away from it. It gave me strength to want to change, even when I couldn’t change what I had done.

I’m still a work in progress and I’m learning every day. Kid CAT made building real empathy a part of my becoming a better person, someone who thinks before acting, someone who understands the weight of choices, and someone willing to take responsibility for them.

I’m not where I want to be yet, but I know that I’ll get there.