David Marsh wrote this column shortly before being paroled
FORGIVENESS: I will be leaving this place soon, in a matter of days, God willing. Yup, parole date coming up for me, again! Hope to make this one, on June 11th.
And as a single father with three children, two of them minors, who is at the tail end of a sentence of nine with half-time, I would like to believe that I am ready. Time to get home to my kids, Becky, David and Nolan.
But I know in my heart that I am not yet truly ready, because I still have no idea what I will say to them, even now after all this time I’ve had to think about it.
I will be seeing my little girl soon. Becky. Her name is Becky, my only daughter. A wonderful child who has never caused her dad a bit of trouble. Hard to believe in today’s times, but I swear it’s the truth.
Always and still her Daddy’s girl, but no longer Daddy’s little girl now because while I’ve been gone, my Becky has grown up. She’s a truly beautiful young woman now. While her Daddy was in prison my little girl has grown up, turned eighteen and became a young adult. A very pretty young woman my Becky has become.
WHAT I MISSED
There have been many eventful moments that were pretty darn important to this exceptional woman/child that her Daddy has missed. Such as her high school prom, her graduation, and her very first date, just to name a few.
And all the times that she was down, sick, hurting or scared. Or she simply needed advice, the kind that only a father should give.
But her father wasn’t there. For he has been here, for a very long time, while she has hurt alone. This daughter that I love with all that I am. My Becky.
THE PAIN ENDURES
I’ve been thinking very hard about what I will say. And it hurts because no matter what I say, it can’t be enough to erase the pain. Both hers and mine.
She’s still waiting for her father for all of this time, and somehow she’s still smiling. For my Becky’s beautiful eyes are looking to the future, and to those many special moments that she and I will yet still share together. Not focused on the past and the treasures that we have missed, and that are forever lost to us. Somehow she has learned to forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself!
As for me, I am still feeling the pain as I struggle with the awareness of all that she and I have lost these past years. It’s called guilt
MUCH TO LEARN.
But still, I am aware that I can learn much from my Becky. About letting go. And about forgiving. And I think that maybe she will teach me something about forgiving myself, which has to be the first step. Then maybe together we can really begin the healing process, she and I.
For as I have already noted, she is so very special. That’s my Becky! She is waiting, as are my beloved sons, David and Nolan, so very special in their own right. And, God willing, it’s time for me to go!
Please, God, help me to be ready!