Around two million men and women are in prison in the United States, more than any other country in the world. That means a corresponding number of moms have children in prison. Many others are affected by incarceration such as friends and family members: fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, wives, husbands and children.
Do you know any of those two million? Are any in your family? Most likely not. It is not the first thing one mentions, nor maybe the last, when discussing family members. “Well, how are the kids doing?” You will hear about the one with the Bachelor of Science degree from Harvard who runs her own business, or the son who has his Master of Business Administration from the University of Wisconsin, or the son who is a scholar/athlete, but not always about the one in prison. And how about the Christmas News Letter? Did you ever receive one that says that their daughter or son is in prison? Or an “inmate.” So, where are all the people who are incarcerated? They all have family.
Well, why do you think people are reluctant to share that their child is in prison? When your child makes a wrong turn, bad choice, breaks the law, parents usually get the blame, or they blame themselves. It is quite natural, for example, when there is a serial killer that the news media will search out the person’s background. What kind of mom did he/she have? Ask most parents who have children in prison, and they probably would have advised against the behavior that resulted in their children being incarcerated. However, now they are dealing with the consequences.
Interestingly, whenever I mention to others that my son is in prison, people will confide that their son or daughter is or was in prison or they themselves, or a friend’s son was in prison. But, it takes someone first to mention it, and obviously one picks and chooses who to tell, especially keeping in mind that your child will face a lot of discrimination and hurdles upon release.
So, two reasons may be offered up as to why you may not know anybody whose child is in prison: the parents feel they are to blame or others blame them; and secondly, their children will have more difficulty reintegrating into society upon release if many know.
My son has been in prison for a year and a half now, and I empathize with other moms, especially at Mothers’ Day. To begin with, it is with great anguish for a mom to see her child shackled and handcuffed in court. In addition, the first visit to the prison is a lesson in frustration: don’t wear metal, don’t wear blue or green, walk this path, sign here, leave your driver’s license there, etc. As a parent, one almost becomes a prisoner oneself. Added are the other hurdles to undergo, such as paying outrageous phone bills for a few calls, paying huge amounts for food that can be bought for much less outside the prison, not being able to phone, being worried about your child being beat up or tasered, but most of all, being concerned about how your child will cope with a prison environment and how they will adjust to the outside world upon release.
Speaking for myself, and for many other moms, I’m sure his family loves my son, and there is great hope for a normal life upon leaving that environment. In my mind, he is not an “inmate” or number, he is my wonderful son. When I visit him at the prison, I see other family members of prisoners who obviously love and care for their children, too. Older grandparents visits as well as husbands, wives and children.
So, my congratulations to all the moms who are so loving and faithful to your children. Here’s wishing you a wonderful Mothers’ Day, even if you can’t visit, talk or email your daughters or sons. Receiving a Mothers’ Day card from your child in prison will make your day. And for those mothers who don’t have children who are incarcerated, I hope you now better understand moms who do. Happy Mother’s Day to you, too.
