By Michael “Luqman” Russell, KidCat Writer
How do you actually know when all your hard work has paid off? For me, self-doubt has always been present in my life. My self-worth was often defined by my failures rather than what I’d actually accomplished in life. In 2017, I made the decision to change. At the time I was a gang member participating in all the activities that came with that lifestyle. When I made the choice to change my life, I had a big problem; I did not know how to change! And so I did what every person in need should do, ask for help.
Going to programs such as KidCat First Step has literally been life changing and life saving for me. Over the years learning ways to express and articulate how I am feeling and thinking has impacted me in a way that allows me to build healthy relationships with those around me day-to-day. This is a skill that also allows me to love myself, to appreciate others, and to understand my self-worth. Coming to prison I had low self-esteem issues. I just did not believe in myself and I refused to set goal with the belief that they were not obtainable. If you were to ask me that insightful questions like “Who are you?” I would have told you something that I did not believe myself. I would have lied to you just as I had lies to myself for many years. I went in front of the Board of Parole Hearings April 29. I remember the Deputy Commissioner asking me “Mr. Russell, Where did this confidence you’re exhibiting come from?” This was the most surprising question that I was asked the entire hearing. Here I am nervous, heart pounding, shaking in my boots, and terrified of what is to come next, and she is asking me where did I get this confidence.”
Years of hard work, and a commitment to just be better makes confidence look easy. Sometimes all it takes is the smallest achievements in order for someone to start believing in oneself. In this instance that was enough for me. I remember never wanting to go to class but then I would get there and be glad I showed up. I hated telling others about my life and I was always feeling judged. I had this sense of uniqueness as if no one else had been through what I had been through. Later I found it healing to just open up and let out my worries to those who are dealing with similar battles as myself. Currently I am in my final weeks of KidCat First Step, a program that has helped guide me to a better understanding of who I am.
How do I overcome imposter syndrome? By reminding myself daily of the hard work I have put in to become sincere in my walk. I do not shy away from compliments, and I do not over value others opinion of who they believe me to be. I can name all the self-help programs I have participated in over the years, as well as the college classes I completed. But what does any of it mean if I had continued to live my life inside a prison cell. I remember being overcome with emotion after hearing the words of the commissioner. Truly I have never been praised as much in my entire life. The only thing I could think about at that moment was getting out of that room and calling my 85 year-old grandmothers to inform her of the news. The one person who believed in me from the day I came into this earth.
The cure to imposter syndrome is confidence. By believing in myself I now possess the confidence I once lacked. For those of you who are dealing with similar feelings, I would say value yourself first. Do not be afraid to ask for help when you are in need and continue to strive to be a better “you” for you. You are worthy of redemption; you just have to believe in yourself.