I’ve never done time, but in all honesty that’s more a matter of luck than virtue; I was in and out of trouble during my teenage years, some of it serious, and it wouldn’t have taken much for me to find myself heading down the wrong branch of one of those forking paths we continually find ourselves facing in this life.
So it’s not hard for me to imagine myself here in San Quentin. Perhaps partly for that reason, the approach always puts an icy hand on my back – the sight of the looming, fortress-like walls, and the grim series of sally ports and security gates, the echoing clang of the gates closing behind me. Of course I’m always aware that I can leave, but nevertheless there’s a certain unease in the experience.
So why have I returned, and why will I continue to return? Quite simply, because of the men I meet here. Maybe the guys, who turn up to talk with me, and share their thoughts and their writing, aren’t typical of the general population. I have no way of knowing. And I don’t care. The men I’ve spent time with here are engaged, inquisitive, and straightforward as few people I meet these days are. Maybe it has something to do with the nature of life in San Quentin. You can’t hide from others, your privacy is always at risk, and in the end you can’t really pretend to be anything but what you are – well, I suppose you can pretend, but others will know you for who you are soon enough, and once you realize that, you know there’s no use pretending. I spent four years in the army, and though I wouldn’t compare the experiences in any other way, they have this in common – living cheek by jowl with other men, day after day, year after year, strips you down to essentials. If you’re honest, and lucky, you’ll be accepted for who you are; but you definitely won’t be accepted for who you aren’t.
The men I’ve met here seem to have learned this hard lesson. I’ve come to admire their honesty, their determination to use their brains and their gifts, and their attempts to make themselves free within these walls – to achieve freedom as a state of mind and spirit. I’ve learned from them. I hope I will continue to learn from them.